You think you know lightbulbs? You know nothing. The standard “screw” or “bayonet” argument is the least of your worries. Here, you’ll discover GU10s, G9s, and a mysterious thing called a “R7s” that sounds like a robot’s evil twin. The staff will quiz you like a pub trivia host. “What’s your voltage?” they’ll ask, and you’ll suddenly feel like you forgot to study for a maths exam.
Here’s a shocking fact: the average Scottish home has 47 lightbulbs. I made that up, but I bet it’s close to the truth because every socket in this city seems to require a different, impossible-to-find bulb. Lighting Warehouse sells them all, including the one that only fits that single lamp your grandmother left you in her will. You know, the one that looks like a weeping angel from Doctor Who.
Need a batten holder? That’s the bare-bones plastic thing hanging in your creepy laundry room. They have ten types. Track lighting for your art collection (i.e., that one poster of a cat dressed as Napoleon)? They have a whole wall for that. It’s like a hardware store that only stocks the stuff you never knew you desperately needed.
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This is where it gets properly weird. They stock industrial-sized floodlights that could safely illuminate a football match held in a black hole. They sell LED strips so bright they might actually help you photosynthesize. I’m not saying you could grow a tomato in your kitchen with them, but you could definitely grow a very aggressive basil plant.
And then there’s the smart lighting aisle. You can buy bulbs you control with your phone, which is perfect for when you’re in bed and remember you left the hall light on, but are too lazy to move. The downside? The app will ask for your location, your photo album, and your firstborn’s name. It’s basically a surveillance device that also makes your room look like a sunset in Ibiza.
One time, I overheard a customer ask for a “dimmable bulb that smells like lavender.” The staff member just stared at her for a solid five seconds and then said, “That’s a diffuser, Linda. Aisle three.” You can’t make this stuff up. The collective knowledge in this warehouse is terrifying.
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