To understand Charles, you have to peek into his family album. And trust me, you’ll want to look away. The Habsburgs didn’t believe in dating outside the family. They took “keeping it in the family” so literally that Charles’s genetic makeup was more inbred than a royal pug’s. His mother was also his uncle’s niece. Yes, you read that right. It’s the kind of family tree that’s less a tree and more of a tangled, knotted vine that makes you sigh and grab a coffee.
By the time Charles rolled around, the Habsburg jaw was less a jaw and more of a geological feature. His tongue was too big for his mouth, making him drool like a happy toddler who just spotted a cookie. He couldn’t chew properly, so his dinners looked like a baby food commercial, and he didn’t walk until he was eight years old. Imagine being thirty years old and still having your servants wipe your chin. That’s a tough Tuesday.
Life as a Human Headache
Poor Charles was basically a walking, talking (barely) proof that you can’t spell “dynasty” without “dysfunctional.” He had seizures, chronic diarrhea, and a head that was so large he looked like a bobblehead figurine from a cursed carnival. Historians describe him as “sad-looking” and “weak-minded.” It’s the kind of review you’d give your Wi-Fi after it crashes during a movie: unreliable and frustrating.
He tried ruling, bless his heart. He’d shuffle into council meetings looking like a man who just woke up from a three-day nap. His advisors would argue about foreign policy, and Charles would just nod and drool a little. It’s like when you have to make a big decision at work but you’re running on no sleep and a bad burrito. You’re physically there, but your brain is on vacation in the Caribbean without you.
Why They Called The Misshapen Charles II "The Bewitched King Of Spain"
The Spanish Empire was crumbling around him. The economy was a mess, the army was losing battles, and everyone was fighting over who would get the throne when he inevitably kicked the bucket. And Charles? He just wanted to be left alone to play with his small collection of dwarfs and attend a good exorcism. He genuinely believed witches were after him. We all have those days where we think the universe is out to get us, but Charles actually hired a priest to perform an exorcism on his body.
