The good news is that plain, white paper is generally not toxic. Your body is a magnificent, slightly disgusted machine that will treat that wad of pulp like any other indigestible fiber. It will most likely pass through you like a confused ghost, making a brief appearance in the toilet later. You are not going to sprout an oak tree from your stomach, despite what your third-grade imagination warned you.
However, that doesn't mean you should start substituting napkins for nachos. Paper is not food, and your digestive system is basically a grumpy bouncer who hates paper invitations. Eating too much can cause a paper jam—literally. A big glob of it can form a bezoar, which is a fancy medical term for a hairball-like lump that blocks your pipes. And yes, that requires a doctor to fish it out, which is about as fun as it sounds.
What About the Ink & The Bleach?
Here’s where things get a little dicey. The ink on this article? That’s a chemical cocktail you probably don’t want in your bloodstream. Newspaper ink, especially, can contain heavy metals or petroleum-based solvents. Eating an entire newspaper won’t turn you into a superhero; it might just turn you into a person with a mild headache and a very bad breath day.
Then there’s the bleach used to make paper white and bright. While the trace amounts in one sheet are negligible, paper isn't regulated for food safety. Think of it like this: you wouldn't eat the bag your bread came in, would you? The bread bag is just jealous of the bread. And that glossy magazine page? That’s basically plastic-coated tree flesh. Avoid that one like you avoid your ex at a party.
