When the match ends, you will either be floating on clouds or slumped in a heap. Take a deep breath. If Arsenal won, immediately text all your friends with a single, mysterious emoji. A lion works best. It says “strength” without admitting you almost had a heart attack.
If Arsenal lost, blame it on the moon. The lunar cycle clearly affected VAR decisions. This is a scientifically proven excuse used by 90% of football fans who lost money on a bet. Or blame the hotel where PSG stayed—it was obviously too nice.
After the tears or laughter, remember this: it’s just a game. A game where grown men kick a ball while wearing shorts in winter. You did not lose your job. You did not get eaten by a dinosaur. Though I suspect PSG’s goalkeeper is secretly one.
Now, go watch the highlights. Or better yet, watch the match again but with no sound. The commentators will only confuse you with words like “transition” and “pressing.” You already know the truth: it’s a beautiful, messy, hilarious circus. Enjoy the clown car.
