Trim bushes and trees away from your house. Spiders use branches as highway overpasses to your roof. Also, stop leaving outdoor lights on at night. That yellow bug zapper light is a rave for moths, and moths are spider snacks. Turn off the lights, and you turn off the flyer miles.
If you must keep a light, switch to yellow “bug” bulbs. They’re less attractive to insects, which means fewer spiders show up for the party. It’s like telling everyone the keg is empty before they arrive.
The Final Trick: Get a Cat (or a Very Aggressive Gecko)
I’m only half-joking. Cats are natural spider assassins. My orange tabby once cornered a wolf spider, batted it into a slipper, and then stared at me like, “_You’re welcome, useless human._” But make sure your cat doesn’t eat the spider—some can make them sick. If you’re not a cat person, a gecko in the kitchen is a legitimate option, though explaining that to guests is awkward.
At the end of the day, remember this: spiders are mostly harmless and actually control real pests. But they’re also creepy little freeloaders. You don’t need to kill every one you see—just make your home a hostile, peppermint-scented fortress of solitude. Spray, seal, and vacuum like you’re preparing for the greatest eviction notice in arthropod history.