If you were trying to get from Colchester to London on Tuesday morning, I hope you brought a book. Because you were going nowhere fast. The entire line turned into a very expensive, very stationary parking lot.
“A person was hit near Colchester,” said the announcer, in that calm, robotic voice that makes you want to scream. Thanks, robot, but I can see the sky from my window seat for the last 45 minutes.
And just like that, your 9:15 meeting became a conference call from a field of turnips. The train staff handed out water bottles like they were performing a miracle, which, in a world without WiFi, they sort of were.
The Usual Suspects (Spoiler: It’s Always a Person)
Now, let’s be clear: this is not a laughing matter in the most serious sense. Someone had a terrible, awful day. But the British railway system has a peculiar talent for making a bad situation even worse, and funnier.
Did you know that a person hit by a train is the single most common cause of delays longer than 30 minutes in the UK? It’s true. More common than leaves on the line, wrong kind of snow, or a squirrel challenging a signal box to a duel.
And here’s a fun fact: the average delay from such an incident is about 90 minutes. That’s enough time to watch an entire rom-com, cry, and still be late for dinner.
